Relationships.

In my twenty years on this planet I have been in quite a few relationships. I sometimes sit and think about the things I could have done differently or what I did right or wrong, but the thing is every person and relationship is different.

My last relationship lasted a few years and its fair to say it had its ups and downs. I spent a long time blaming myself for the breakup when we had just drifted apart. You can't blame yourself for growing up or finding a different path. I haven't really been in a relationship since then because I wanted to just be me for a while and do things alone and learn to be independent again.

As someone who suffers with anxiety I find it hard to make conversation with new people as my brain is going ten to the dozen. Now I always thought I new what love was. But I really didn't. I don't think you know what love is until you really find it. With no disrespect to my ex I don't think I loved him in the sense that I didn't see a future with him and I didn't want that with him anymore. There are so many things that happened between us that changed that, I won't going into that information but all I can say is, if theres no trust, there is no relationship.

Anyway I often sit and think about one question in general and many of my friends think about this too. 'Do you believe in love at first sight?'. Now I can't bring myself to say yes or no. My heart wants to say yes but my head says no. A while back after my previous relationship ended I got close to someone else. Things moved so quickly but I was so happy. Happy. I hadn't been happy in a long time. When I was spending time with him I felt so lucky and nobody had ever made me feel that way before but when I was alone with my own thoughts I would over think it all.

In my past relationship I hadn't felt the love that I deserved, it felt forced to me, but because I was used to feeling down and unwanted I convinced myself that it was normal and thats what love was. So when I had someone treating me like a princess, spending time with me, making an effort and making me feel good I freaked out. I ran. I didn't feel like I deserved to feel that way. I could kick myself over and over for doing it but you could say I learnt a good lesson.

Never let someone treat you like you aren't worth something. You shouldn't force feelings. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Just because this relationship hasn't worked out doesn't mean the next one won't.

For me, well I'm fine with being single for now. I've been single for nearly two years and as much as I miss being close to someone I don't want to be with someone if it doesn't feel right.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that the person that was treating my the right way was good for me and that I deserved to be happy and feel that way. Honestly I still like that guy. I don't know if its just because of how he treated me and made me feel but I was smitten. I wish I could explain to him what happened and tell him how I feel but I just can't. I'm always so scared that if I open up and confess my feelings, they will just throw them right in my face. So for now its just little old me. Spending my weekends cuddled up with my dog watching Disney films but thats ok.

I wish I could say love and relationships were easy. They aren't. Every relationship will be different. Don't go looking for love. Love with eventually find you. We have the rest of our lives to figure these things out so just live in the moment, in the here and now.

So that was my little ramble about love and relationships! I'm sorry if it bored you its just something thats been on my mind tonight. Feel free to leave a comment about any bad/embarrassing dates you've had I'd love to hear some!

Thats all for now,

Paige xxx